Mask My Heart (Andy)

[Lucius Malfoy]

Lucius sat like a statue. A book was open in his hands, but he was not reading it, his eyes were not even on it. Instead they were focused on the portrait that hung over the fireplace. It was one of the only ones in the Manor that did not move. It was a portrait of his family. He stood at the back, his hand resting on his daughter's shoulder. His other arm was wrapped around Narcissa who in turn was resting a hand on Draco's shoulder. They looked happy. Well, as happy as they would ever look in a portrait, they looked content.
He let out a slight sigh. You couldn't guess from the picture the troubles that were destroying the family from within. Scratch the surface and generations of abuse came into light. It really was a circle of abuse.

Centuries of Malfoy's had hit their children from a young age, it had been no different for his childhood. But he had thought he had broken the cycle. He had slapped Draco once before, when he had shouted at Narcissa, but he had never left a mark on his children before. He had always hoped to be the one who had more control, who didn't need fear to bring up his children. He was wrong.
One long, elegant finger went to his cheek where the shard of glass had ripped open his cheek in that horrible day with Amy. He didn't know what to do with that girl. She was so angry, so full of hatred for him. She demanded his love, not bothering to try and find it. She expected him to be a good father, a loving man, no matter how much he tried to tell her otherwise.
She never tried to see things from his point of view. Everything was about her trauma, her pain. She had never stopped to consider that he might be suffering too. She never bothered to think that he might not want to hurt his children. She didn't care about his emotions, about what he might have felt.

He frowned. Those thoughts were not a Malfoy's thoughts. He shook his head slightly and ran one hand through his long blond hair, pushing it back until it was perfect again. Then he put his mask on and became the cold bastard everyone knew and hated.

[snape]

The fireplace that Lucius Malfoy sat in front of suddenly burned green and out stepped Severus Snape. He looked the same as ever with his expressionless face. He calmly brushed off his robes, riding himself of the access ash, and then eyed Lucius. He was rather surprised that the older man was actually home because his first visit to the manor had not exactly gone over well since he had run into Narcissa... He wasn't going to think about that right now though; no, he was trying very hard to keep his mind utterly blank at the moment. It was like he was preparing himself for a meeting with Voldemort instead of one of the few people he had considered a friend. Had being the keyword in that sentence.

"Just tell me why Lucius. Tell me why you hit her. Why did you feel it necessary to raise your hand against Amy? She's your own daughter for Merlin's sake!"

Snape scowled for a moment and began pacing the room. Despite his best efforts the past was just whirling through his head. He couldn't stop thinking about it. Seeing those bruises on Amy had brought everything back up to the surface again. There was a part of him that knew he shouldn't be as effect by this as he was, but there was another part that just didn't care. He felt for his Godchildren even if he didn't admit it very much.

"She feels nothing, Lucius. She's like an empty shell and she's trying to fill the void. That spot you left empty! Do you want to know what she did? She became a donor to a Vampire. Do you know how dangerous that is? What it might mean? Don't just sit there and let this happen. DO something. You're supposed to be my friend, Lucius. Don't become my father."

[Lucius Malfoy]

He did not move as Severus walked through the flames. Severus never visited them manor without calling first, he was far to polite. So Lucius could assume this was something important that the younger man wished to talk about. He closed the book, resting it on his lap and crossing his fingers over it's leather cover. He watched the blankness of Severus's face and it was reflected in his own expression. Then he spoke and Lucius's temper flared.
He snorted lightly and raised an eyebrow.
"Why should it be of your concern, Severus?"
He could see the man wanted an answer though, so he continued, rising to his feet.
"Amaranta asked me to hit her. She wanted me to hit her so she could 'feel something'."
His eyes darkened as he looked up at his old friend.
"I am her father, she should treat me with respect, not as though I am something for her to try out her theories on. You have always known me to be a strict parent. She is over-reacting. This is the first time I have hit her."

He turned away, looking out of the window. He had not wanted to hit his daughter and something in his brain told him that what he had said was wrong. But he could not challenge it, because it was the Malfoy thing to say, and according to his father, that could never be wrong.
He responded to the man's first point with in a dry voice.
"Then she will feel as every Malfoy for thousands of generations has felt."
At his next words he did turn though, worry and anger springing to his eyes.
"She did What?" His voice was not loud, but it carried clearly through the room. He did not move but the book he had been reading flew across the room and collided with the wall, falling to the ground.
The moment seemed to last a lifetime. His daughter, a vampire doner. He raised on hand to his face. She could get hurt, killed.
"Why would she be so stupid!? Why!?
What Does She Want!?"
His voice was angry, but also hurt and full of fear. It was a side he rarely allowed people to see, but... He shook his head.

"I am your friend Severus. But I don't know what to do. My daughter is being a fool because she won't get what she wants. She expects too much of me and never pauses to think that I don't know what to do. She should know I am not a good person."
He looked at Snape as though he were an idiot.
"You should all know that by now..."

[snape]

"Why should it be my concern?" Severus repeated in shock. "You made me her Godfather and Draco's as well. Am I not supposed to feel for them? To protect them if necessary? To even take care of them if something were to happen to you or Narcissa? What would you have me do, Lucius? Sit back and pretend that the abuse isn't going on? NO! I won't do it again. Not again!"

Far too many times had he kept himself in the background, watching his filthy Muggle father beat his mother until she was literally unconscious. Far too many times had he seen the bruises on her face, knowing that Tobias had caused them, and doing nothing for them. He was as much to blame for what had happened in Spinner's End as much as anyone else... He should have stood up more; he should have been a man; he should have offered up himself instead... Snape's dark eyes flashed at the next words that came from Lucius's mouth.

"I don't care if it was once or a thousand times. There's no excuse for hitting a child. None whatsoever." Something twisted in his features then and he gave a dark smirk. "Don't pretend that you didn't hear me, Lucius. She became a donor to a Vampire. I told you why... She does it to feel again. It's probably like a drug to her... Something she can hold onto, unlike you. She needs that, but not from a Vampire..."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Really? I'm not sure I even know who you are anymore. How can you call yourself my friend after what you did?" He gave a short sigh. "You're wrong, Lucius. You are a good person... or you can be. If you don't change your ways soon then everything you've worked for will be gone. Narcissa will leave you and she'll take the children with her when she goes. Do you really want that to happen?"

[Lucius Malfoy]

Lucius sat down again, his blonde head falling into his hands and his long hair shielding his face from Severus's piercing eyes. Lucius was not afraid of him reading his mind, he could block his mind well enough. But there was something in his eyes, there always had been. The dark depths were enough to make anyone look away in fear. The man was always going to be a teacher.
He bit his lip softly, face still hidden. His daughter, a doner to a vampire. How? Why? The very thought sent shivers down his spine. Vampires set him on edge, he had met a fair few in his time and they creeped him out. He knew how dangerous being a vampire doner could be, he had seen it a fair few times. The idea of his daughter's life being taken because of a vampire made him want to throw up, or hit something.

He looked up. His hair was a mess and his eyes had a wild tint to them as he spoke, voice angry, but not yet at a shout.
"I made you their Godfather so that you could give them some humanity Severus. I made you their Godfather so you could make sure they don't end up like me."
He put his head forward again, staring blankly at the ground as though it might offer him some answers.
His muttered voice could barely be heard above his old friends speech.
"I guess my lifetime of abuse counts for nothing then..."

He thought of the thousand beatings his father gave him and he thought of the ever present bruises that had littered his body. He remembered the fear in his eyes when his father would snap at him and Lucius could remember the time his father had pushed him down the stairs.
His eyes darkened. He had never wanted to hurt his children. Ever. He would kill anyone who tried, starting with that Vampire.

His eyes burned with fury this time as he looked up at Severus and his lips curled into a snarl.
"Then maybe that's a good thing!
You and Narcissa were supposed to protect them! You were supposed to make sure I didn't do this!
You were supposed to make sure that I didn't make them into unfeeling dead little Malfoy clones.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!
I can fight.
I can argue.
I can manipulate.
I am a death eater.
I AM NOT A FATHER!"

He broke down, slumping to the seat, eyes closed, jaws set. His voice was weary and pain filled, his rant seeming to drain him.
"Do you think I wanted this when I had them? Do you really believe I wanted my children to end up like me? Do you really think I enjoy hurting them every single day?"

[snape]

Severus wasn't sure what to say when he heard why Lucius had made him the Godfather. It was kind of hard to make sure that they didn't end up like the rest of the Malfoys when their own father was a huge part of the problem. The only way to change the cycle of abuse was to stop it altogether. Sometimes it was as simple as a matter of willpower or therapy and other times it included getting the children far enough away from the source of the abuse before they were infected by it.

"Your abuse? Lucius... I had no idea. Do you want to talk about it? I hear that can help sometimes..."

It didn't really surprise him that Lucius had been abused at some point. Whole generations of Pureblood families punished their children in cruel ways in order to control them... Snape finally moved away from the fireplace and sat down. He was willing to listen, but he wasn't willing to forgive; not yet. He raised an eyebrow at the sudden burst of emotion the blond displayed.

"That's kind of hard to do when I'm not here all the time and don't even know half of what's going on. I'm a Death Eater too, but you don't see me raising my hand to my students. They are like my children to me, especially my Slytherins. You're a father whether you want to be or not and you're a good one or you wouldn't be feeling this way." Snape sighed again. "No, I don't think you want that to happen at all, but you don't know how to stop, do you? My father had the same problem."

[Lucius Malfoy]

Lucius looked up in slight surprise.
Severus had offered to talk, no, to listen. He paused to think. Nobody except Cissy had ever even offered to listen to him. They hadn't cared enough. He looked down at his hands again. His father's voice was ringing inside his head, telling him not to unless he wanted a beating. But his father was dead, long dead.

He licked his lips and began, his voice soft and a tint of fear haunting it, as if he were somehow worried his father might rise again.
"My father never raised a hand to my mother and he made it clear that it is always wrong to hit your spouse. However he always hit me, lightly when I was younger but when I reached the age of six they became more violent.
He never told me he loved me, never praised me. Everything was bad and if I failed, if I make a slight wrong move I would be ignored for days at best.
In terms of beatings he would happily slap me or hit me with a cane. He sometimes locked me in the cellar or beat me till I want nearly unconscious. I learned not to express emotion in case it upset him, in case he got angry for it. I did everything he said because otherwise he would hurt me.

It continued right up until I was married. By that point I was a lot stronger than him, but I never fought back. I was too scared. Too much of a coward. I... I can't remember him ever being different. I had to be perfect. I had to be a Malfoy or I got beaten."

He let out a short breath, his words had tumbled from his lips as he desperately recounted his story. His grey eyes were dull, a rare sign.
"You are a good person Severus. You know how to get out of this."
He looked up at him.
"Your father too?"

[snape]

Severus listened to the story without comment. He nodded his head slowly when Lucius was finally done. He was kind of surprised that the abuse had lasted so long... He would have run away at the first chance he got; he had never gone back to Spinner's End after he turned seventeen except for that one time in order to collect the Prince heirlooms his mother had left behind and by then he didn't have to be afraid anymore. He knew plenty of spells to take down Tobias a notch or two... He had even thought about killing the Muggle man, but a car accident had beaten him.

"My father was a bastard."

Snape glanced away for a moment. He wasn't sure if revealing his own abuse would do much good, but maybe it was time that he started to take the same advice... He had never really talked about it before and to be honest only a few people knew the truth. Dumbledore knew everything and Lily probably knew some even if she didn't admit it. They had lived pretty close in their younger years after all and he seriously doubted that she had missed the signs. She might not know the extent of it, like Dumbledore did, but she knew enough.

"My father was a drunk who unloaded on my mother and I far too often. He was verbally and physically abusive. He beat down my mother until she was a shell of her former self; she grew distant to the point where she didn't even care about what happened to me anymore and then she died. I was beaten almost every day since the age of four. It was casual slaps to the face at first and sometimes I was locked in my room for days, only allowed out in order to use the bathroom. When I got older though, my father turned to whipping me with a belt until I either apologized for whatever I had done or went unconscious."

His eyes were dark for a moment, remembering those times. "If it weren't for my Magic or my mother stepping in occasionally, then I would have probably died long ago. After my mother died, my father blamed me because I didn't do enough for her. I tried everything I knew, but it wasn't enough. She was already so sick... He beat me badly that time, breaking a few of my ribs as well as causing some internal damage. I ran away when I was old enough and when I finally came back for my revenge, he was already dead.

"He was a sick man, Lucius. There was never any reason or excuse for my abuse. I was just there and I was a convenient target. I learned to hide myself away and to block the pain, but I promised myself that I would never be him. I would be a better man than my father... So don't tell me that I don't understand abuse. I still have the scars."

[Lucius Malfoy]

A feeling of repulsion grew in Lucius as he listened to Severus's story. It was clear he had suffered a far worse abuse than Lucius. The idea of him ever inflicting that kind of violence on his children made him want to hit something. Because he never would, he knew that. However angry he was, Lucius knew he could never do that to chis children whom he loved so much, yet found it so difficult to talk to.
"I am so sorry Severus. For what your father did to you. That was horrific."

he could not comprehend the horror that Severus's childhood must have been. However, there was still that selfish little part of his brain that kept ticking and kept whispering in his ear.
He looked Severus in the eye, his silver ones meeting the other man's black ones. His voice was smooth and only traces of emotion passed into it.
"It is wrong of me Severus, so wrong because you suffered so much and your words make me want to hurt the bastard for you. Because I care enough to want him dead but...In some ways I envy you. Your father was a man you could hate. He was not somebody to love, or to look up to.

My father was. I loved him, I was desperate to make him proud right up until the day he died. desperate for him to say he cared, just once."

[snape]

Severus shrugged somewhat. "What's past is past. There's no way I can change it now. I just try not to focus on it."

It had never really occurred to him just how serious his abuse had been. He knew it wasn't normal and that he should have reported it, but he had been taught that reaching out was bad... He would just be abused more seriously in response. Snape frowned for a moment.

"You're wrong, Lucius. As much as I hated my father, I wanted him to care for me just like any other child wants from their parents. That's all Amy wants. She wants to hear that you love her. She needs to know that you care. You can fix this, but only if you're willing to change. Is it so hard to express your feelings towards someone? Even I've done that on occasion."

[Lucius Malfoy]

Lucius was still, like the statue he had been before this conversation started and years of abuse and anger poured out from him. He was back to Lucius, not to the emotionally confused wreck of a man he had been a moment ago.
Lucius might have emotions, didn't mean he liked showing them, even to someone he liked as much as Severus. Years of an old habit stuck to a man like Lucius.
His hair was a mess, he hadn't let it get that messy since the times he and sometimes Severus would stumble in after a particularly horrible Death Eater meeting.
He ran a pale hand through his hair, trying to restore it to some order.

Lucius sat back, allowing his mask to fall, though his emotions were not wildly out of control. It was rare that he showed his real face when he wasn't trying to hurt someone.
He licked his lips and spoke, his smile wry.
"You are a good person Severus. You have your life, it is your choices, your rules.
I am a Malfoy, their rules, their choices. To be cruel is the Malfoy way and I have never known anything different.
The Malfoy way is right, to question it is to be hurt.
My mother thought she could help, thought she could change. She died an early death Severus, I don't want Cissy to be like my mother and I don't want my children to be like me.
I don't know how a family works Severus. My natural fathering instincts have been suppressed for so long I don't think they even exist anymore.

[snape]

He merely raised an eyebrow when Lucius claimed that it was his life; his choices; and his rules. He could do anything he wanted to do... or at least that's what the blonde thought. But Snape didn't know how to be himself anymore. He had forgotten. He was always playing someone else everywhere he went and now was no exception. Soon the day would come when everyone would be made aware of his loyalties, but until then he had to keep pretending. He had to keep playing the game even if he didn't want to because that was what he had been asked to do. He was no more a master of his life than Lucius was of his.

"I don't know what else to tell you, Lucius. You say you don't want Narcissa to die an early death like your mother had... Or your children to be like you and yet you sit there and do nothing. You are in control of your life more than I."

[Lucius Malfoy]

He shook his head sadly as Severus spoke up. He summoned the book from across the room and closed it, running his slim fingers over the book and standing. Lucius made his way across the room the one large bookshelf and placed the book where it was supposed to be. He ran his fingers over his robes again, feeling the fine silk beneath his fingers and hating how it represented him so perfectly.
He exhaled and turned to Severus, his voice soft and his eyes emotionless.
"Well clearly this conversation has been a waste of time.
I had hoped you might come to understand how I feel Severus.
Instead you continue to, as everyone else does, treat me as though I am a spoilt brat who simply chooses not to act, rather than seeing that I am trying to shed these chains and become a better father."

He clicked his fingers and a small house elf appeared and he intructed it to fetch a bottle of whiskey and a glass. It disappeared and reappeared in a second, placing the bottle on the small table and pouring a gass of the amber liquid.
Lucius gave the younger man a tight smile and added.
"Help yourself. I am sure Narcissa would be delighted to see you."
The very fact that he had reffered to his wife as Narcissa rather than Cissy said everything, even the words that could be taken as a reference back to the accusation he had thrown at his best friend.
He turned heading towards the door.

[snape]

"You're right. Perhaps you should enlighten me. Maybe I have an inflated opinion of Purebloods. In fact it continues to amaze me that so many of them are still around and relatively sane judging by the amount of inter-marriages that they have to perform. No offense. I've never understood how the world works. I was always half-and-half. One foot in the door and one hand in the fire. That's who I am, Lucius."

He watched the older man put away a book and then call for a House Elf. A few seconds later a bottle of whiskey appeared on a small table as well as a shot glass, which was quickly filled with the alcohol. Severus stared at the offering for a moment before he glanced back to Lucius. He raised another eyebrow when he heard his friend refer to the lady of the house as Narcissa instead of Cissy, which sent off a few warning bells in his head.

"I recently stopped drinking alcohol." Snape said. And then Lucius turned, heading towards the door, and he couldn't stop the next words from coming out. "Lucius... Wait... I... I'm sorry. Please don't leave."

[Lucius Malfoy]

He did listen to Severus's first words and restrained himself from rolling his eyes. Severus was perhaps starting to understand that he could not simply guess at the ways of pureblood life. He was right about the marriage part though, look how the Blacks had turned out and they had been the worst for incest. It was lucky The Malfoy and Black families had not crossed in a while or heaven knows how his children would have turned out.

He snorted lightly at Severus saying he had given up drinking. These were difficult times and Lucius would bet a good chunk of his fortune that Severus wouldn't be able to keep it up. Not because he wasn't strong, but because everyone needed something to keep them going.

He turned in surprise as Severus said his name and asked him not to leave. Severus never normally spoke in such a way, so it was a shock to the blond. However he merely turned back and spoke.
"Why, Severus? Nobody has ever given me a good reason to stay. One minute they say I should go, the next... My wife hates me now. I don't understand her anymore, she rants and raves about things I have not said, things I have never, would never, do. My children are too far away from me to be brought back and I am sick of living like this.
Every time I try to make things better, something stands in the way, someone criticizes me and I get angry."
He shook his head lightly.
"You yourself have seen the consequences of that."
His face creased into a frown and he looked down upon the man who had been his oldest friend.
"Do not apologies. You know as well as I do that none of this is your fault. As everybody has made clear to me it is my entire fault."

He clenched his fists.
"Maybe I am a spoiled brat. But is it wrong of me to want help rather than to have people constantly having a go at me?"