Mask My Heart (Andy)

[snape]

Snape didn't have a good reason for Lucius to stay. He wasn't even sure why he had said such a thing. He normally didn't show this side of himself around fellow Death Eaters for fear of being seen as weak. He frowned a little as he listened to what his friend had to say.

"It's not entirely your fault. Your history is to blame as well." Severus raised an eyebrow at the last comment. "I'm not having a go at you, Lucius. I'm just trying to understand..."

He shrugged his shoulders and got up from the chair. He wasn't sure what else to do. He could not provide an unbiased ear to this situation. It was hard to ignore the abuse that he had suffered when he was with someone who had gone so far as to repeat the same mistakes... He didn't understand why Lucius couldn't just drop the whole Pureblooded attitude and go against the Malfoy way. Others had done it in the past, Sirius Black was one worth mentioning despite the fact that the former Marauder had nearly killed Snape during their years together at Hogwarts. Snape walked towards the fire place and stared down at the blaze within.

"I'm sorry I can't understand what you're going through Lucius. I've always distanced myself from everyone around me. I've always made it hard to get past these barriers of mine so that I wouldn't be hurt again. I keep secrets and I push people away. To have been able to call you my friend was a blessing, but even you don't know everything. And you never will." He turned towards Lucius and his wand suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "I'm sorry, Lucius, but I can't have you remember any of this. Obliviate."

[Lucius Malfoy]

Lucius's eyes widened at the site of the wand and his old Death Eater instincts kicked in. He drew his own in a heartbeat and twisted his body out of the way of the spell. He shot his own stinging hex back without even thinking about it, following it up with a quick disarming spell.
He took steps backwards, eyes slightly confused, but mainly angry.
"You Bastard!" He kept his wand pointing sharply at the man, his voice shaking with angry, but his wand was dead still, aimed straight for his old friend's heart.
"You were supposed to be my friend! Now you think you can just swan in here and start wiping my memories left right and center!"
He shook his head dangerously, repulsed at the only person outside his family who he had never cared for.
"They are my memories Snape! You have no right to touch them. It is not your choice of what I remember!"

Suddenly his already pale face turned paler, and a horrified look crossed his face. His breathing was coming in short, sharp gasps now as his wand fell to his side and he took several steps backward.
"You...You betrayed me Severus....Haw many times have you done this before?
I don't... I don't want to loose you Severus. But...This..."

[snape]

If he had thought that erasing Lucius's memories would be an easy task then Severus had clearly not learned what to expect over the years. He was therefore able to knock away the stinging hex and the disarming charm just as quickly as Malfoy had done with the Obliviator. His fingers tightened around his wand as he fell into a defensive stance. He had proven himself time and time again that he was an excellent dueler; he knew just what to do in battle and because of his keen observation skills he was rarely caught off his guard. He was aware of the fact that he could probably beat Lucius if it came to Magic against Magic, but he was not ready to do that. He still felt this odd... connection... to the other man despite everything.

"Contrary to your belief, I wasn't trying to erase your memories. You can keep them for all I care. I was simply seeking to eradicate what you now know about me. My secrets and memories are dangerous. I can't let too many people know about them. Especially not a fellow Death Eater."

Snape gave a dangerous smirk then when Lucius accused him of betrayal. There was something dark and twisted in his features now. "There's a lot you don't know about me, Lucius... I've done many things that I'm not proud of and I'll probably do more." He gave a dry snort at the last comment. Lucius had lost him a long time ago to Dumbledore and the Order -- he just didn't know it yet. "I'm already gone... Don't you understand? Have you not put it together yet? I thought you were supposed to be intelligent, Lucius."

[Lucius Malfoy]

"Is that you view me!? My family!? We're just Death Eaters! Was I stupid to consider you a friend!?"

He knew that Severus could beat him, if it actually came to a fight, which was seriously saying something about the other man because Lucius was generally accepted as a very good dueler.In truth if it did go that far, he wouldn't fight as hard as he could, because Severus meant too much to him.
Lucius was not a loving man, but sometimes he found himself caring for a person and it was unfortunate for him that Severus had been the person. Because Severus could hurt him so badly.
He looked him up and down as he spoke about doing bad things and spoke, his voice still angry and hurt, but he couldn't help but adding a hit of a patronizing tone in.
"We were Death Eaters, Severus. We've all done bad things."

The look on Severus's face scared him though, it reminded him far too much of the expressions that so many of their fellow Death Eater's had worn so frequently.
He frowned in confusion, one of the expressions that rarely crossed Lucius's face. Severus's words... Then it hit him and the confusion cleared.
"You're not loyal to him, you never truly were. It was Dumbledore. Don't you think I may have guessed a while ago?
Like you said, I am supposed to be intelligent. You're a good actor Severus, I was never sure. But believe me, I have known you long enough to be able to guess..."
He was aware that Severus could cast a spell at him in less than a second, but it didn't stop him.

With careful, measured steps he moved back toward his friend, stopping just in front of him and adding in a quieter voice:
"You are worth more to me than your allegiance to a master, particularly one I was never overly fond of."

[snape]

"That's not what I meant... I just can't trust you, especially not when the Dark Lord is so close to returning. You and I both know that it will happen eventually. The Mark has been getting darker and darker these past few weeks. It's only a matter of time."

Severus had never thought of Lucius as 'just' a Death Eater. He had seen too much of the man to assume such a thing. He was too close to the Malfoy family in general so he was aware of how they most likely felt about their common master. He pursed his lips when the other claimed that they were Death Eaters and had all done some pretty horrible things in their lifetime which he couldn't dispute, but Snape had gone against the grain. He was a betrayer. He was a turncoat; a traitor; a coward...

It never even occurred to him that his friend might have guessed at his loyalties a long time ago. He was a good actor and he had always played his role well so what Lucius said surprised him. He had not expected this. He had no idea what to do now. Severus raised an eyebrow when Lucius added that he was worth more than his allegiance; that basically it didn't even matter. He flicked his wand back up his sleeve and it nestled in its sling, waiting for the next snap of muscles to send it back down again.

"Then why this?" Snape gestured around the manor. "If you're not fond of the Dark Lord either then come with me. You can escape with Dumbledore's help."

[Lucius Malfoy]

"Like you said Severus, the Dark Lord is returning, and soon. You are a good actor, you have less to loose. You were always better at protecting your mind. I will be discovered and you saw what happened to Narcissa after I made a mistake. Betrayal would result in their deaths, and my own."

Lucius was torn, between two options, both would put him in a position of weakness, not just him, his family too. Lucius was living in a difficult time, his family life was in tatters and he was terrified for their safety.
"You have known me for a long time Severus. Have you ever doubted that I fight for anyone but myself, thought that maybe I put an ideal before myself?

Because... if you have, I think you don't know me as well as I had hoped.

I know the risks of every option. I have spent nights lying awake thinking about it."
He shrugged.
"I don't know what I can do anymore.
You know I have no care for Dumbledore. You know I dislike the man. You have chosen your master, Severus. I just don't want a master. That man is just as dangerous as the Dark LORD.
He's just cleverer, because he has your emotions."

[snape]

Snape frowned for a moment. He knew that Lucius only fought for himself and his family; that he really had no desire to lean one way or another, but had chosen the Death Eaters because it was expected. "You don't have to serve Dumbledore for him to help you. He can hide you if that's what you want. Protect you and your family... You don't have to follow the same path I do."

He shrugged his shoulders once more. There were some people who just weren't properly equipped to be a Spy. Severus had always been good at protecting his mind because he had learned how to do so at an early age (strangely enough he had Tobias to thank for that). If Malfoy would not follow him over into the light then there was nothing else for him to do here. He raised an eyebrow at Lucius's next words and gave a louder-than-usual snort.

"No one's my master, Lucius. I follow Dumbledore and I do what I do because I choose to. I make my own path now."

The Headmaster of Hogwarts had nothing against Snape. He had no doubt that the elder man was as dangerous as the Dark Lord and that he was being used for his skills. He had always known that, but it never really bothered him for the most part. There were days when his temper had gotten the best of him and there were times when he had had enough; however, he usually regretted those few instances. He had chosen his path. It was not out of guilt or self-remorse. He was not Spying because Albus had a hold on his emotions. It was for redemption. He had made a lot of mistakes in his life and maybe - just maybe - his actions now would be enough... Later on down the road people would say that Severus Snape had been the bravest man that they had ever known.

"But if you're not going to join me then I need to erase your memory. I can't afford the Dark Lord finding out."

[Lucius Malfoy]

Lucius laughed and reached for the shot of whiskey, drinking it in a gulp and looking at Severus with his own dark smirk. He was watching the man like he might watch a child trying to do magic, with amusement and affection, but also with a hint of exasperation.
"You believe the rubbish he is spewing at you, don't you Severus. I trust Dumbledore about as much as I trust the Dark Lord.
Dumbledore is manipulating you, you are risking your life for a man who doesn't really give a damn.
I don't want my children near that man. I don't want them to develop the stupid ideals you seem to have picked up. Gryffindor values.
My children are not heroes, you are not a hero and Dumbledore is no hero. He will kill as many people as he needs to fulfill his quest.
I don't want my children to be convinced to sacrifice themselves the way you are.

You might want to go out as a hero. I would rather live."

His words were harsh, and he knew that. But Severus should know by now, Lucius would not lie to him about something he felt that strongly about.
However, when the man spoke of erasing him mind, Lucius looked up, an eyebrow raised.
"The Dark Lord is not knocking on my door this minute Severus. I might find protection with...Dumbledore"
The name was said with distaste, as though the very words tasted bitter on his tongue.
"I will need time to consider. Whose to say Dumbledore will accept us anyway?"

[snape]

"Lucius, I of all people should know that Dumbledore is as dangerous as the Dark Lord; maybe more so. I've seen what he can do. I know he will sacrifice anyone for the 'Greater Good.' I know he is using me." Snape paused for a moment. "But then everyone always does so that's nothing new."

He had been playing this game of his for years; long before he had even joined the Death Eaters. He was just a pretender; an actor, if you will. Not many people knew about his past or his true lineage of being a Half-Blood. The only exception to his facade had been Lily, whom he stayed close with despite their house rivalry. But, of course, like everything else that had even been slightly good in his life, he had pushed her away out of fear. Now that she was back again, Severus didn't know what to do or even who to be. This whole situation confused him and he was just stumbling along in the dark...

"You're right. I'm no hero, Lucius. I'm a coward. I'm a traitor and a turncoat. I deserve nothing less than this: an in-between life. I'm damned and I'm cursed. My path of redemption only puts more blood on my hands and more guilt in my mind. It is not an easy road to tread, my friend, but for salvation this is what I must do. Not for Dumbledore or anyone else; for me. This is how I feel."

The harsh words Lucius spoke were like a blow to the face, but Snape tried to balance them out in his own way. He didn't want the elder man to think any less of him just because he served the Order and had been going against the Dark Lord for more than a decade. "I know he will. He's helped many people in the past. Despite his failings, Dumbledore is a good man."

[Lucius Malfoy]

Lucius took another step closer, gripping Severus by the shoulders and shaking his head at him, eyes angry.
"Why?
Have I not made it clear, me and my family care about you.
We do not wish to see you suffer for this.
Why do you refuse to be happy?
Refuse to allow yourself some comfort?
Stop trying to be perfect!"

He closed his eyes, not moving for a moment before he stepped back and opened his eyes again.
"Your salvation will come at the price of your life, my old friend. Do not ruin the life you have."

He smiled though and returned to his seat, sensing that the time for shouting and being over dramatic was over.
"I will try to be a good person, as long as you try to live while you still can. You are a god-father, come to our house more, we are your family.

[snape]

"It's... complicated."

How could he possibly explain? Why was it so hard for Lucius to understand what he had gone through? Surely the two of them could have bonded over the fact that they were both victims of abuse... Severus had been beaten down too many times to count by his filthy Muggle father. He had always had low self-esteem. He had always known that he wasn't worthy no matter what he did. It had nothing to do with his perfectionism, although he had no doubt that he could place some of the blame there.

He smiled a sad smile at Lucius's words. He knew the blonde was right. His salvation would cost him dearly. The chances of him surviving a second Wizarding war was slim to none and that was only one of the reasons why he distanced himself from everyone. Severus didn't want them to worry or be too attached when the time finally came... Nothing had changed. He was not a family man. He was not a father. He was not a husband or a lover.

"What do you think I'm doing, Lucius? Playing patty-cake? I make a difference in my own way. I teach hundreds of students the subtle art of brewing Potions year after year. I've invented a few concoctions in my time as well and I get pensions from them. It may not be a glamorous job like a Ministry position, but it's what I love."

He finally moved away from the fireplace and sat down in another seat. "I should come to visit more often though. I just don't feel... proper... without an invitation beforehand. I'm too old-fashioned, I guess." A genuine smile went across his face then. "I mean, I don't want to randomly come in and find you and Narcissa in a... compromising position, now do I?"