Falling in Reverse

[Shendeth Potter]

It was a night like any other when Shendeth approached the Potions Master's office. A slight scowl crossed his face as he wondered exactly what he was here for. He hadn't done anything deserving of trouble lately, or at least not in his opinion, which never said he did. Come on, he was a great potions student.

And yet a summoning note clearly meant for him had arrived earlier that day. He didn't much fancy going. There were better things to do at the moment. But some voice of responsibility, or maybe foreboding, reminded him just in time that maybe he shouldn't skip. And so instead of heading back to the common room after dinner he'd left his friends at the dungeon entrance to come here in its place.

For some reason the very air seemed stiller than usual, and for a second his dark eyes scanned the hallway uneasily, but there was nothing. Nothing, so he shrugged it off. He hoped the meeting would be quick. The note had said there was something they needed to talk about. A lecture, probably, but there was nothing he could think of that called for one. Pfft, what a waste of time.

Turning the corner, the somewhat familiar office door came into sight. He was a bit late. But probably not much more than a few minutes, so he didn't really care. Upon reaching the door he knocked and pushed it open at the same time, not waiting for an invitation. He only knocked at all because he didn't know what this meeting was about. Entering the room he glanced around for the professor, ready to get to the bottom of this- or talk his way out of a detention if need be.

[snape]

He should have had this meeting with Lily too. How could he be so stupid? She was the one who had given birth to the Potter twins after all and she would be able to explain it better since he was unable to remember the incident. He didn't blame her for what had happened. It wasn't like she purposefully sought him out to screw his life over. They had both played their equal parts in this and the alcohol probably joined in on the fun. It was just... complicated... and, Merlin, he had no idea what to do or even how to act. Damn it all!

Severus waited none-too-patiently for Shendeth to arrive. His fingers were knitted together and his elbows were resting on the desk before him. His chin was on the little hand bridge he had created as he watched the door and kept his ears strained for the knock that he knew would be coming soon. The boy was late. Probably lollygagging and trying to postpone their meeting, not knowing why he had been called this evening. The Potions Master sighed. He heard a gentle rap on the door and before he could so much as open his mouth, Shendeth entered his office. He gave a slow blink. Merlin help him.

"Take a seat, Shendeth, I have something I must discuss with you." He drew in a steadying breath as his face adopted a cool and composed expression. Something blank and neutral despite the unknown territory he was stepping into.

[Shendeth Potter]

Did something seem a little off about the professor today, or was he just being impatient? Shendeth narrowed his eyes slightly and walked across the room. Something they needed to discuss. Come on, he wanted to just get to the point. Didn't he? The professor's tone didn't quite match the usual one that came before a lecture. Maybe he was in really big trouble. That didn't quite fit though; he hadn't done anything and Snape seemed to be good at catching the right people. He sat down on the edge of the seat somewhat uneasily. Sitting down meant it was more than just a quick word or exchange.

"What is it?" he asked, the creeping impatience he had walked in with still there beneath things. Maybe he didn't want to know but the only way to get out of it was to move forward. He still had no idea what this was about.

[snape]

He was silent for a moment despite the growing impatience he could sense in the boy who sat before him. He had no idea how to move forward. Should he just come out and say it or would the longer route be more understandable? After a moment Snape decided that he had prolonged this long enough. If the Slytherin was smart then perhaps Shendeth already suspected the truth.

"You know that I was friends with your mother. Well... it went further than that." Snape shifted uncomfortably and allowed his hands to fall to his desk. "Afterward she became pregnant. I recently performed a paternity test and... well... Shendeth... You -- you're my son."

There. And now to wait...

[Shendeth Potter]

"W-What?" You know that sinking feeling you get when you're falling, or after finding out something or realizing something important, after a punch in the gut or a metaphorical slap in the face? Yeah, that was it. Shendeth didn't know if he stared at the man in front of him for very long or not as the full impact of the words sunk in, because time seemed to freeze as the blood in his veins turned to ice. The blood that they shared. "I.." he tried to speak but any sensible words seemed to fail and die before they made it out.

Yeah, he'd guessed already. But did that really matter? For so long it had been just a stupid idea inside his own head. There were signs, unmistakable signs. But until it was spoken aloud there had always been some degree of uncertainty, room for feeble arguments such as his mother might have told him, somebody would have known, and what about Harry. Guessing was not the same as knowing for sure. In everything his rather wide imagination had envisioned, it hadn't gone quite like this. Not when he'd been least expecting it.

As his senses returned, he found himself unable to meet his father's eyes. "Oh." he concluded in a rather small voice, staring somewhere in the direction of the floor.

Finally, the truth. It was all he had ever wanted, just to know the truth, and after so long spent waiting and wondering, here it was. It changed everything, but also explained everything. And for all its twistedness and negative complications, it wasn't as horrible of a truth as it could be. It was a good thing he was safely in a chair and not able to back away and trip over something. Maybe it was something to be ashamed of. But he wasn't. Shendeth hadn't been completely honest with the professor when he talked about James Potter.

He wasn't sorry that they weren't connected, not at all. Finally he was free of the man, when the lost and strongest tie, that of blood, had been completely broken. Of course it had never existed at all, but in the early years he'd thought it did. Not once did he doubt the truth in his real father's revelation. And he didn't hate him for it. Closing his eyes briefly, he took a shaky attempt at a calming breath. When he opened them he looked up at the professor.

"Why.. why didn't she ever tell me?" No, his reaction was not to hate the man in front of him at this point, but what of his other parent? She had always been or at least tried to nice and loving when she wasn't busy fighting with James, but was she really if she had been with two men at once while she was married and then kept her mistake, all of this from him? It wasn't just her secret, not anymore. She wasn't here now; so had her affections all been a lie too? He supposed he couldn't blame her if they had, he thought bitterly. She probably wished he had never been born, he wasn't supposed to be, wouldn't that make things easier. But after this first truth he could take the rest, whatever that might be.

So it was most likely a remarkably stupid question. It just happened to be the thing that came out first. He had both a thousand things to voice and no idea what to say at the same time. Such was this. Shendeth watched his father with his dark green eyes, almost but not the same black, now waiting himself. For another question to fully form in his mind, for an answer, for further explanations, some guidance to what to do now or how he was supposed to react. His father. Strange and twisted to finally be able to call him that with no hesitation or nagging doubts, in some ways still feeling wrong. But at the same time possibly, finally on the path to being right.

[snape]

If this were some kind of movie then the situation might have been funny or outright hilarious in a comedy. Shendeth's reaction was one worth remembering if Severus was cruel and cold-hearted as everyone thought him to be. Instead he felt ashamed. Not because Shendeth was his son. Oh no, never that. But because everyone had waited so long. The boy was fourteen years old for Merlin's sake! Everyone deserved the right to know who their parents were...

"I don't know, Shendeth. Maybe she was scared of what you might think or how you would react. Perhaps she herself doubted the truth. She kept it secret from both of us. She didn't even tell me her suspicions until a couple of weeks ago and it nearly took me that long to brew the Potion."

Snape sighed and glanced away. He still felt incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. Aside from the teen's first reaction there was really nothing else that told him how Shendeth was taking the news. He drummed his fingers on his desk for a moment before stopping. What he really needed was a cigarette but he knew Shendeth didn't like him smoking; the boy had said so himself after that little fiasco in the Hospital Wing. Severus sighed again. He opted for the safer route, choosing instead to pop one of his cough drops into his mouth. He then pursed his lips as he wondered what else he could say. What he could possibly do to defuse this tension...

"If I had known I would have..."

What? What would he have done? He closed his eyes for a moment.

"I'm sorry, Shendeth. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to... to do something about it."

[Shendeth Potter]

Slowly the shock faded to be replaced by a sense of calm, and he wished his initial reaction had been more composed. He listened to the answer, turning it over. Shendeth still wasn't sure how to be reacting and the professor's words weren't helping much at all with that. He shifted uncomfortably, not sure what to say next. Now was better than never but he did resent the fact that up until this moment he hadn't been told something this important, that they hadn't found out.

"Oh. I see." he said in a bit of a flat and distant way. If his father hadn't known either then he wasn't to blame. But what was he going to say? That it was okay? It wasn't okay. Had he really not known, when Shendeth had? It didn't matter. The truth was out now and they all knew it. As long as the professor hadn't forced his mother to do it and the words he spoke were true then he had nothing against him.

"I don't think I blame you. I.. I already guessed." he admitted finally, staring up at him and willing him to give no reason to change that. He hadn't been going to say so at first but there was nothing else to and maybe it would help. It was just the confirmation of old news.

[snape]

He allowed himself to smirk slightly. "I figured you would have guessed, but still that's no reason why the truth should be kept from you."

Snape's face hardened for a moment, reminiscent of the mask he had worn while he was in Death Eater mode, before it cleared. The lines eased off somewhat. He was beginning to feel a little more relaxed around Shendeth now. He still wasn't comfortable with calling the teen his son yet, but he supposed he would work his way to it. He had to tread carefully, after all. He really had no idea what Shendeth was experiencing inside... He found it difficult to read the boy; always had. He leaned forward in his chair somewhat and put his elbow on the desk once more, allowing his head to rest against his hand. His other arm remained limp on his lap.

"I thought about bringing Lily into this conversation, but I wasn't sure how well that would go over so I decided to talk to you about it alone. I hope you don't mind, Shendeth." He gave a slight shrug. "I know you probably have a lot of questions and I will try to answer them if I can to the best of my ability."

[Shendeth Potter]

Shendeth nodded a little. Of course he wanted to know the truth. It might feel better if his mother was there too but maybe not; he could try to see the point the professor made. If both of them were there he'd probably feel a bit overwhelmed, so maybe it was good that they were alone. Good as long as his father was the man he believed him to be. He'd want to hear things from his mother's point of view and ask questions of her, but there would be time for that later. The subject was inevitable even if it took further delay.

"I don't mind."

He was silent for a few seconds as he wondered what best to ask. Shendeth took the words to mean fire away. He just wanted to know the truth, all of it, the full story, make sure that there wasn't anything more and hope he wasn't being lied to. He'd had enough of lies.

"What happened? Where have you been all this time? And.." he paused in finishing the last one, choosing the words.

"Does this change anything?"

What he meant of course was would this change anything between them. Or would Snape, who hadn't been of much significance in his life so far, continue as though all of this had never happened? Could anything change? He assumed they'd still have to keep it a secret. It was probably childish to wish to finally have a father now that his real one had been found.

[snape]

"Well... if you want me to tell you what happened then I will need to backtrack a bit..."

Severus trailed off and lapsed into silence. it was obvious from his stance that he was still feeling nervous and awkward about this whole situation. However, while the evidence of discomfort was in his body with his tense muscles and whatnot, it never showed in his face. His eyes were blank and his mouth was set in a thin line. He always experienced a little wariness whenever he decided to expose one of his many secrets no matter who he was talking to though.

It only bothered him a slightly that the boy in front of him was so young. Shendeth had shown remarkable intelligence in the years that he had known him. The Slytherin teen was no ordinary snake either. This was his son! Snape therefore felt compelled to share, but at the same time he couldn't help wondering when the confession would come back to bite him in the ass. He had learned that reaching out when it concerned himself or his past was never a good idea... He took a deep breath to steady himself, only it was shaky. There was definitely a slight shudder to it. He couldn't believe that he was going to do this. There was no guarantee on how his son would react to another bombshell. Merlin help him.

"You already know that I was friends with your mother in the past and that I pushed her away by calling her a Mudblood. After that we naturally separated. I got involved in the Dark Arts. I joined the Death Eaters, Shendeth. I was lured in by false promises; by the glory or power I would receive from taking the Mark... It didn't take me long to figure out I had made a terrible mistake and by then... Well... It was already too late."

He frowned for a moment. "I needed a catalyst to move forward though and when I finally found one, I switched sides. I spied on Voldemort and the other Death Eaters for Dumbledore. It was during this time that I met your mother again. I apologized. She accepted. We kind of built up our friendship once more, but it was no where near the level that it had been. I did my part for the war and when it was over, I went back to brewing Potions. I worked alone for a while, living off pensions and the like, until the Headmaster asked if I would be interested in coming to Hogwarts to teach.

"As for this changing anything..." Snape trailed off and shrugged his shoulders. "That's really up to you, isn't it? I don't want to intrude on your life, Shendeth. I don't want to just suddenly come in it and try to control you or tell you what to do. I would like to get to know you on a more personal level though, if I can. I will continue to treat you as I always have in the public eye though. I cannot risk anyone knowing about you. I don't want to put you or your family in danger. I will try to protect you for as long as possible."

[Shendeth Potter]

Shendeth nodded and listened to the story. Aha. So he had been a Death Eater. Finally that question was answered; whenever the professor talked about the war he had failed to explicitly mention which side he had been on. It was something he'd always wanted to ask, but when the answer came he wasn't too horrified. It fit, it was an explanation. Many of those in his House he knew, in fact almost all the boys in his year including his best friend had parents who used to be Death Eaters. Shendeth the supposed son of the Auror had always been the odd one out.

He didn't think badly of Snape because of it. Actually if he had been any younger and more immature he probably would have shouted 'Cool!' and proceeded to want to know every detail of what it had been like. The latter was still somewhat true but he didn't think the professor would be too impressed with that reaction, if he had really switched sides. He had heard the stories of how awful it had been and knew this was serious. Such was the way of things when you grew up too fast.

"Oh." he didn't really know what to say or what kind of subject this was. As for the answer to if things changed..

"Yeah, I'd like that. He did enough of telling me what to do." The last part came out as a bit of a growl. He referring of course to James Potter. It was all the man had ever done, with no personal closeness. Half unconsciously he started to reach up to touch the back of his shoulder where he knew the scars were but stopped before Snape could pick up on it. What he wanted most of his real father was to be everything James wasn't; supportive and not indifferent and controlling. He didn't want another parent to order him around but he wanted to know him. As such what he said sounded fine.

"I understand. But what exactly is it that you think I need protecting from?" He understood the need to keep it secret if it had been a secret all this time. But protecting, from what, people's scorn? Shendeth didn't much care about that. He didn't need protecting. So far he'd done fine on his own.

[snape]

He nodded slowly. He eyed Shendeth for a long moment at the growling words. He couldn't help but wonder if perhaps James Potter had been accepting of a Slytherin... Severus, however, wisely chose not to ask at this moment. He raised an eyebrow at the last question and almost snorted despite himself.

"From Voldemort of course."

His eyes darkened slightly whenever he said the name. He had learned long ago through working with Albus Dumbledore how to refer to the Dark Lord in such a way. He never said the Dark Lord out of fear for saying Voldemort though. No, he had been taught to show his so-called Master the proper respect. If anyone caught him saying Voldemort now then the consequences would be most severe; however, in private, Snape allowed himself the relish of saying Voldemort rather than the Dark Lord because it made him feel like he was in control of his own life; that the bastard was no longer his Master.

"I'm a Spy, Shendeth. If anyone were to discover the bond between us then they could use you to get to me. Or they might just kill you. Either way it's not a very good idea to go blabbing this to everyone..." Severus moved his other hand up to the desk and drummed his fingers on the dark wood, finally caving in to the desire. "Just because Voldemort is gone for the moment doesn't mean he won't be coming back. In fact, the Mark has been getting darker recently. He's very close to returning to his true body."

[Shendeth Potter]

His eyes darkened a little, but he didn't protest the unavoidable. "Right." Voldemort. He always said You-Know-Who instead of the name because everyone else did, it felt better, less threatening, but wasn't all that bothered either way. The Mark.. so they really had them then. Shendeth wondered what it was like. "He's coming back?" it wasn't a real question, more a quiet, dark echo, since that was of course what Snape just said.

Just because he sometimes took the wrong kind of interest in the Death Eaters didn't mean that sounded anything less than a nightmare come to life. He didn't want to fight or have to choose to cross that line. That's all it was to him, a nightmare, something he had never actually seen since he had been just a baby when Voldemort was defeated. And he sure didn't want to see it. There had been whispers already, but he couldn't deny that the professor's warning was troubling. There wasn't much he could say to it. It hadn't happened yet, but he sought no reassurance if there was none to truthfully be had.

[snape]

"Yes, I believe so..."

He knew the question was more like a dark echo of what he had just told Shendeth, but he couldn't stop himself from answering it all the same. He suddenly wished that he could give the teen some reassurance or hope; however, after his talk with the Headmaster, Severus knew that there was nothing he could say or do that would somehow better the situation. He sighed somewhat. It wasn't fair. This new generation of students - children of those who had fought in the First War - were far too young to be dealing with a second already. The chances of survival were starting to look very slim indeed...

"Let's move away from this topic of conversation for a bit. Do you have anything else you want to ask me, Shendeth?" He quirked a brow.

[Shendeth Potter]

For a second or two he thought but didn't come up with anything. Sure, there were plenty of things he'd probably ask in time, but none came to mind just now as something that needed to be asked. Nothing urgent at this very moment, so Shendeth would give his father the chance to choose the subject. If there was something he wanted to talk to him about or questions he wanted to ask Shendeth, then best get on with it. He shrugged. "No. Nothing right now." His eyes lingered on Snape's left arm at a continued afterthought. Although if he persisted in making the offer again..

Ah, screw it, he was young enough to still be able to get away with asking things like this even if his father had tried to change the subject. Shendeth gave a slight sheepish twitch and the question came out. "Can I see it? Your Dark Mark I mean." It wasn't out of a desire to have one himself, never, just simple and hopefully unoffensive curiosity. Last question really, as long as it was granted.