Memories & Scars [Sev]

[snape]

His mouth hung open as she confirmed his suspicions. He didn't need to have her clarify the word either; he knew exactly what they were talking about... Suddenly his whole world had been turned upside down. He had no idea what to do or say. He just stared at her for a long moment, wishing fruitlessly that he could actually remember the incident. The only bright point in his life had been Lily and he had finally had her at least once, but he wasn't able to bring the memory up and that frustrated him beyond anything else.

"Oh..."

Severus glanced away from her as he felt himself flush. He felt nervous and unsure. She had seen him naked and exposed. She had... touched him.

"I... I always said I couldn't hold my alcohol well."

He muttered, trying to lighten the mood and failing. He drummed his fingers on the armrest of his chair and his leg shook somewhat, bouncing up and down rather rapidly. He suddenly stood up and began to pace around his office. His eyes constantly darted around the small room, as if he was searching for a way to escape... Snape went over to his desk and opened up one of his drawers, removing his pack of cigarettes. His hands and fingers just weren't cooperating with him though and he dropped them all over the floor. He wasn't even in the mood to pick them up so he just left them there.

"I need to think... I need to think..." He repeated over and over in what he thought was his head, but clearly wasn't. "I can't... I can't believe I did that."

She had to have been married at the time when they were... 'together.' Not to mention the fact that both Harry and Shendeth had been born in 1980. Severus slowly moved back to his chair, looking and feeling far older than what he was. He soon sat down again as all of his energy fled his body. He stared at the alcohol on the table in front of him for a long moment, really just looking past it. Note to self: Never ever drink again.

"Tell me what happened, Lily... Please..."

[krisy]

Lily puckered brow at his attempt of a joke, but to Lily this wasn’t a laughing matter. Severus was always the serious one regardless of the occasion. She would of expected such a comment from James, but this was suppose to be Sev. He was the one that was always calm and collected for the most part. Here he was now pacing about his office, stumbling for his cigarettes seemingly out of control of his own limbs.

“Yes…well it happened. We both did it.” She frowned at her choice of words, but it was far to late to take them back. “We both acted irresponsibly.” She muttered, closing her eyes and leaning against the back of the chair. “I was a married woman then. I betrayed my vows.” The blood had drained from her face as she forced herself to breath slowly. She needed to be the one to remain calm. Especially if Sev didn’t remember the night, she could only imagine what a shock this was to his system.

Her eyes snapped open as she stared at him blankly. He wanted her to tell him what happened? She only hoped that he didn’t mean in detail. For the most part she couldn’t remember to much about what had happened. Now and then she would get glimpses of what was. She groaned and looked away again. “We had one to many pints…from what I remember we got a room in the Leaky Cauldron and well…you know.” She said with a shrug of her shoulders. “I woke up early the following morning and had a massive hangover. I saw you there…in the bed. I dressed and left as fast as I possibly could. I couldn’t face you again after what we did.” Again the blood rushed to her cheeks as she spoke about their intimate encounter. “I had barely been married a year at that point…then when the prophecy came out and James and I found out that we were going to have a baby… I did the best to put it from my mind. But as Shendeth got older…he’s so much like you Sev.” She whispered, her green eyes looking back at the man in the opposite seat. “How could I think that he wasn’t yours? I know it’s so rare for it to happen. There is no way that Harry’s yours, but I just can’t see Shendeth as James child.” The words came out so fast she wondered if Severus understood any of it.

[snape]

"Shendeth?" Snape kind of randomly uttered.

Suddenly something clicked in his brain. Of course... That was the reason why the Slytherin teen was so different from the usual Potter mold. No son of James would ever wind up in the dungeons; no, a Gryffindor fit the name more. Even a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff might have worked better. The way Shendeth acted... Always aloof and alone, much like Severus had been and still was. It all made sense somehow. The Potions Master closed his eyes for a moment as he felt the world spin under him. He couldn't process so much information in one sitting.

"Oh, Lily... I am... so sorry."

And why he was apologizing was anyone's guess. Perhaps Severus thought that he should have had better control over himself on that night when they were 'together.' Or maybe he was feeling guilty that he had caused her whole family unnecessary strife. Surely James must have noticed that Shendeth had fallen far from the tree... He might have even been the reason why the divorce had happened, but he didn't know for sure; however, as was his wont to do, he blamed himself. He passed a hand over his face and gave a shaky sigh.

The fact that she didn't seem to remember much of the night herself didn't bother him one bit considering what he had just been told. "What do you want me to do? What can I do?"

[krisy]

Lily laid her head in her hands. Barely pay attention to his words. She couldn’t figure out what he was apologizing for. They both had made a terrible mistake. One that had haunted her over the years. But still it was their mistake, nothing he should take the blame for. “We were both pretty inebriated. I don’t think either of us were really thinking that night. It was more of a physical encounter.” She muttered her eyes glued to the flagstone floor. She closed her eyes, forbidding herself to look at him. In a way she felt that he should be yelling at her for keeping this secret for so long. In a way she had kept him from his son all these years an now was springing it on him.


"What do you want me to do? What can I do?" Those words caused a shaky laugh to erupt from her throat. She had no idea what she wanted. In a way she didn’t want anything. Just for him to know that he could possibly have a son. Still she didn’t know if she could tell Shendeth. How would he react to such a thing, she didn’t know. She didn’t pretend to know her son. He was a complicated being and Lily wondered if she would ever really know him. Shendeth was never one to really let people get to close to him. “I don’t know Severus.” Frustrated she rose to her feet pacing up and down the small pathway slowly. “I don’t know what to do…I should know these things. I’m his mother. I wonder if I tell him, will it destroy him? Will he hate me? Will he hate you and James? I don’t know what to do Sev. Let alone what you should do.

[snape]

Severus shook his head at the excuse, but made no comment about it. For him their shared inebriation at the time did nothing to help. He usually had better control of himself than that... Yet another reason why he seriously needed to quit indulging in the few alcoholic beverages he drank now. A deeper flush went across his pallid cheeks when the redhead mentioned that their encounter had been more... physical... anyway.

"You mean you haven't even told Shendeth yet?" Snape remarked in utter shock and bewilderment. "Merlin, Lily... I mean, it was bad enough to keep this away from me for fourteen years!"

He had missed so much already if what she said was even true. From birthdays and holidays to important milestones in Shendeth's life. The desire to once again rise from his chair to pace about the room a second time was almost overwhelming, but Severus stayed where he was. He just gave a heavy sigh. He was completely clueless about matters such as these. When Lily said that she had wanted to recount their time together he had been expecting a different tale emitting from her lips... Not some deep dark secret.

"Well we should seriously think about telling Shendeth or at the very least perform some kind of paternity test on him just to make sure..." He trailed off for a moment and then something else occurred to him. Something much more serious than the fact that he could now have a son... "This may be a problem, Lily. If anyone finds out besides us, I'm screwed."

[krisy]

“What the hell was I suppose to tell Shendeth, Severus? Please enlighten me! ‘Oh yeah, you know that man that you thought was your father? Well guess what he really isn’t. I actually slept with a man who would become your potions professor.’ Oh yes, Severus…that would of gone over very well. I can see it now.” She rolled her eyes, and crossed her arms over her chest. Moments before Lily had been embarrassed and ashamed of herself. Now she couldn’t help but feel angry with the way Severus was attacking her. It was now some how all her fault. “I thought you knew Severus! I swear I did. How was I to know that you didn’t remember? It’s not like you’ve ever expressed wanting to have children. I just assumed that you didn’t want anything to do with him.” Lily said as she stared straight ahead at the wall.

“Of course we need a paternity test to be a hundred percent sure. There must be some kind of potion or something for that, right?” Lily thought she would feel much more relieved after getting this burden off of her chest, but now she was seriously wishing she had continued to keep it to herself. It wasn’t fair to keep Severus or Shendeth from the truth. Though she always assumed that Severus knew.

His next words caused her to become more infuriated. “Yes, you’re screwed! Merlin forbid one of your little friends find out that you procreated with a ‘filthy mud-blood’. Obviously my children and I aren’t screwed if this comes out.” Her face paled again at the prospect of telling Shendeth, Harry and Saphira that their mother had slept with another man was horrifying. Her family was crumbling as it was. She knew that this information could only make matters worse.

[snape]

"As smart as I am, Lily, I can't remember everything... Especially whenever alcohol is involved."

Severus felt somewhat guilty for causing her to fly off the handles, but he didn't apologize nor did he retract his words. It was only understandable, after all. He couldn't help but to attack her for the poor choices she had made thus far.

"I suppose it's better that you've waited though... I mean, we don't even really know for sure yet. It could just be a coincidence. The chances of having twins with separate biological fathers is pretty rare."

He imagined that such a meeting would not have flown very well with Shendeth or even James for that matter. They needed to check first. Snape took a deep calming breath as he tried to reign in his emotions and actually think clearly. It probably didn't help that Lily was right about him; he had never been interested in having kids mostly because he thought he might be poor father material since his own had been such a bastard. He also wasn't even really sure what to do with children to begin with and pretty much the only reason why he was a Professor now was because Dumbledore had asked him to step in after Slughorn retired.

"As to the paternity test... There is a Potion for that as well as a Charm. It just depends on which one you want to use, I guess. Of course I would be more comfortable with the first option since I can brew it rather easily."

Severus's face paled at her next words and he glanced away from her. "That's not what I meant, Lily, and you know it. You and Shendeth are in danger because of my position.... If Voldemort ever comes back, and I think he will since my Dark Mark has been getting ever stronger, you could be used to get to me. Or worse. A lot could happen."

[krisy]

“Severus, I’m not saying that you need to remember everything! I just…thought that you would remember sleeping with me.” As the conversation moved on Lily was growing more and more frustrated. She knew this conversation wouldn’t go well, but it had taken a turn for the worst. She thought the conversation would of gone a whole lot smoother then it was. For some reason she always assumed that Severus knew…or at least had some inkling.

“I don’t think it’s good that I’ve waited. It hasn’t been easy keeping such a secret. I think it was one of the reasons James and I fought so much. I always felt guilty about it. It was always on the back of my mind. If Shendeth is yours…I’ve kept you out of his life. The role of Head of House and Professor aren’t quite the same as father. I mean…that is if you would want to be a part of his life.” She muttered, casting her eyes down to the floor.

Lily turned her eyes toward him. “Do you not trust my charms abilities? I know you’ve always done well in potions but I myself am quite astute when it comes to charms.” She said raising her brow. “I don’t need you to temper with the paternity test to get out of your responsibilities.” She muttered, and sighed rather loudly. “I suppose I should trust you however…” Whatever the results she didn’t want this situation to damper what ever renewed friendship that was starting out.

“It wouldn’t be just Shendeth and I, Severus. It could be my whole family. You know Voldemort wont stop at nothing to get what he wants.” Lily moaned running a hand through her red hair. The news about the Dark Mark branded into Severus’ right arm was a bit alarming to her. Dumbledore had always told them that Voldemort would return one day. However, she didn’t think that the day would come so soon. She subtly let her eyes look over to his arms where the black fabric hid what was underneath. “Does it hurt, the mark?” She asked nervously. In no way did she ever like the Dark Mark. Why Severus would ever agree to have such a nasty thing branded into his arm was beyond her. She did know that once you were a Death Eater there was no turning back. You either stayed loyal to the Dark Lord or you were sentenced to death.

[snape]

Severus just nodded mutely to her first comment. A part of him did wish that he could remember when he and Lily had actually been intimate, but yet another part was kind of against the idea. He wasn't really sure how well he would take it since he had always shied away from physical contact... It was true that he accepted a lot more easily when Lily was involved; however, what they had done that night was a far cry from the casual touches and whatnot they had shared in the past. He frowned a little at her next words.

"I don't know what I want anymore." Snape had no idea if he would be good father material or whether Shendeth was interested in such a thing. "Of course I trust you, Lily. Whatever you want to do with the paternity test is fine with me."

When she asked him about his Mark, he couldn't help but to frown. The tattoo upon his left forearm was probably the thing he regretted the most in his life; more so even than the whole 'Mudblood Incident' affair. He at least had the option of apologizing for what he had said to Lily so long ago and make up for lost time, but there was nothing he could do about his Mark.

"It doesn't hurt at the moment. It's just darker than what it used to be, which leaves me with the suspicion that Voldemort is gathering strength and planning to return soon."

[krisy]

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he did return. Professor Dumbledore always told us that he would rise to power again one day. I just thought…you know that it would of taken a lot longer.” Thinking about another possible war frightened Lily. She wasn’t afraid of dying, but knew from experience of what war could do to people. Voldemort’s followers were ruthless beings. They loved nothing more then putting fear and misery to those around them. Regardless of where and when Voldemort returned, Lily knew if she were alive when he rose again she would be fighting again along with the Order.

“I’m not sure what we’re suppose to do now. Do we tell Shendeth our suspicions first? Or do we figure out the paternity test first? Tell me what to do Sev. I think I’ve screwed up enough so far.” She pleaded with him. Lily was at a loss of what to do now. She preferred not to tell Shendeth until they were both sure, but she didn’t know exactly what the paternity test entailed.

[snape]

"I know what you mean..."

Snape wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of Voldemort coming back either. He always feared that somehow his true loyalties would be discovered and he knew what happened to traitors and turn-coats. Playing his double-agent role had been hard enough in the past, but now he had a whole new worry to consider... For a while he had even foolishly believed that he could stop spying altogether, but he supposed that in the long run a short break was better than nothing at all.

"I dunno... If we're wrong and we tell Shendeth now then what will he think later after we perform the paternity test? I think we should make sure first and if you want to go that route then it would be far easier to do the Charm. I mean... you could cast it without him even knowing if both of you are in the same room." He shrugged his shoulders. "The Potion would require something physical, like a lock of Shendeth's hair, which I suppose would also be easy enough to obtain."

[krisy]

Lily reached for her glass of wine and downed it before pouring herself another one. She knew she should probably stop before she got to ahead of herself. Drinking, even rarely seemed to get her in enough trouble. She sat back in her chair, her hand gently swirling the red liquid around the glass. “What’s your plan if…when he does come back? Are you going back to being a Death Eater?” She wrinkled her nose at the word. She desperately wished that Severus would have chosen another path. How he survived the first war was beyond her. Many of Voldemort’s own had died on his command, many on the light side had fallen victim to his merciless crew.

She forced herself to stop thinking about it. Voldemort wasn’t back yet, and they still needed to find out if Shendeth was really Severus’. “I think we need to go with the potion… I think I trust your potion expertise enough.” She smirked at him before going on. “I can manage getting hair from Shendeth. Do you know how long it takes to brew? I can pick up whatever ingredients you need.” Lily knew from experience that some potions could take months of tedious work to brew. She only hoped that this potion wouldn’t take nearly as long. Potion ingredients, depending on what they were and how rare the were to obtain could be immensely expensive.

[snape]

Severus didn't comment when Lily downed her glass of wine and then poured herself another. After all it was hardly his place to tell her to stop despite the fact that she had pretty much done the same to him only a few moments ago. He couldn't criticize her needing a strong drink; this was a little more than he could handle himself, but he was smart enough to leave his shot of whiskey alone.

"I dunno if I'll have a choice, Lily. Once Voldemort Calls it will be hard for me to ignore the Mark for very long..."

He made a mental note to see Dumbledore as soon as possible. There had to be some way around this without chopping off his left arm in the process...

"It takes about a week to brew. Besides the lock of Shendeth's hair, I'll also need one from your head as well as mine. The other ingredients include: one ounce Dittany of Crete, a tentacle of Flitterbloom, six Jobberknoll feathers, a spring of mint, and a drop of Honeywater." Snape rattled off the list as if he brewed paternity test potions all the time. "The hardest one to get would be the Dittany. I only have the common kind that's used in most potions, but the paternity test needs a specific species of Dittany."

[krisy]

Lily for a brief second caught Severus watching her, giving her and odd look. She rolled her eyes and set her glass back on the table. “I don’t deserve such looks Severus’. I, in no way tend to make a habit of it.” She gestured to the half filled glass. Many would of probably thought nothing of Severus’ blank stare. Lily however seemed to have the rare ability to read his generally subtle expressions every now and again.

“What happens if you ignore it?” Lily asked, genuinely curious about the answer. She knew very little of the Dark Mark, most of what she had picked up about them had been in Order meetings.

As he rattled of the list of ingredients with no hesitation she had to wonder how often he needed to brew such potions. Lily gave him a suspicious look, but soon shook it off. “Maybe it’ll be easier if I just give you the money and you pick up the ingredients.” Most of the items he had mentioned were very basic ones that Lily knew quite well. However, as a homemaker she had very little need to brew potions and assumed that her skill in that area weren’t quite as good as they once were. “I will give you my hair no problem, and I’m sure you would be more then willing to lend a strand of yours. I’m sure if you do some sneaking in your Slytherin house you can find a strand of Shendeth’s hair on a comb or something. If not I suppose I could try and pluck one from his head…”

[snape]

"It hurts more and more the longer a Death Eater ignores it. Beyond that I have no idea. I've only managed to push the pain aside for a couple of hours at the most in the past."

Snape had never defied the Dark Lord very much, but he had been punished for his impudence all the same. He couldn't imagine how agonizing the Mark would be if he tried to handle it on his own after a day or so. Just the thought was enough to make him shudder beneath his usual facade; something he always kept up regardless of Lily's presence.

"The Mark kind of has this burning sensation to it, except it's under the skin so you can't reach it no matter what you do. It only gets worse if you don't answer the summons as soon as possible."

The young man shrugged his shoulders again before he conjured himself another glass - this one resembling a lager rather than a shot - and filled it with water. Severus wasn't in the mood to drink any more booze and he doubted that he would ever pick up alcohol again. It wouldn't be hard for him to stop this particular habit of his because he rarely indulged in it. He smirked slightly when Lily gave him a rather suspicious look after he rattled off the necessary ingredients for a paternity test potion. It wasn't that he made them very often; no, he was just a Master of the subject that he taught -- an expert or genius, if you will...

"All right. Sounds like a deal to me. I shall start working on the Potion as soon as I can."