Memories & Scars [Sev]

[krisy]

The first couple of weeks back at Hogwarts weren’t going as well as Lily had planned. The first week she had been looking after Hagrid’s Care of Magical Creature class, and now she was running through various classes whenever she was needed. It seemed however that many of the teachers didn’t get sick often, and when they did Madam Pomfrey was able to fix them up in a jiffy. Much of Lily’s time was spent wondering aimlessly. The only time she had to socialize with other adults was during meals.

Professor Flitwick entertained her often with odd sorts of tales. Out of all the adults at the school she got on well with her former professor. Her interest in Charms let the two of them talk for hours about new developments. However, she grew tired of the conversation and spent most meals playing absentmindedly with her food as she watched the students chat excitedly among themselves. For a moment she was jealous of them. She missed her carefree days where her only worry was passing her classes. What she missed the most was sitting down by the lake on sunny warm days chatting endlessly with her friends about frivolous things.

Those days however were long over. She now had to face her adult life which hadn’t turned out as she expected. It bothered her to think about such things now. James was now in the hospital, she was alone and her family was torn apart. The only good thing that had come lately was finding Saphira.

Lily sighed, twirling a strand of hair between her fingers. Before she knew it she found herself in the dungeons. It had barely changed since her time here. She took noticed to a few new portraits, but aside from that it was all the same. One familiar picture was of the fruit bowl. She had to stop herself from tickling the pear and gorging herself on the delicious food that the elves made. Instead she continued on down the corridor passing several Slytherin’s who sneered at her. Lily stopped just outside the portrait that lead to Severus’ office. Something inside of her was telling her to turn around, but despite herself she knocked anyways.

[snape]

Snape's office was one of the few places left to him where he could actually relax fully and push aside his various masks. He usually found himself grading Potion assignments or essays, but both of those were far easier for him to manage than actually watching over so many students brewing all at the same time. When he finished with that he then went on to plan his next lesson because he usually liked to change it around. He didn't want to become too predictable over the years in case the older students decided to help the younger ones. This never took long either though so Severus was finally able to relax.

He had various methods that he used in order to do so. Sometimes he settled down with a good book which could have been anything from a school text that he didn't study anymore since he worked with Potions and the Dark Arts (like Transfiguration or Charms) or something Muggle such as works by William Shakespeare or Poe. When he didn't feel like reading he turned on some classical music or took a nice long bath. He also had a tendency to smoke a lot in his office, which was rather obvious from the ashtray on his desk. Contrary to popular belief though, the room didn't smell all that bad because he used charms to clean it out every morning... Not that it really mattered much since by this point Severus had a distinctive odor of cigarettes hanging about his frame. He wasn't sure why he worried about it so much either. He was an adult after all and he could smoke if he wanted to, but for some reason people always gave him the third degree. He had no desire to deal with the responses that he was sure to get so he hid his habit as best as he could.

Severus was currently grading and smoking one of his cigarettes when he heard a knock on his door. He took one last inhale of nicotine before stubbing out the rest despite the fact that he had only been half-finished. He licked his lips and swallowed hard, as if hoping that would help, while he made his way to the front. He was surprised to see Lily in the hall after he opened the door and the shock could be seen on his face from a simple eyebrow quirk. Or at least it could be if one knew how to read his expressions properly, anyway.

"Oh... Hello, Lily... I wasn't expecting to see you standing out here." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Did you... Did you want something? Would you like to come in?"

[krisy]

Lily didn’t have to wait long for Severus to come forward. It was a relief when she saw him. Some of the Slytherin students put her on edge. He seemed surprised to see her and he instantly regretted not sending an owl before hand, or at least flooing. “Oh I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re busy… I can come back later or whenever you’re free.” She said awkwardly shifting her feet on the flagstone floor.

Lily was certain that she had interrupted something important, and besides that the Severus she remembered wasn’t one for much company. But when he offered her to come into his office she jumped at the chance. She scooted around his tall frame, her eyes looking over the office. “I don’t need anything per say… I was just sort of in the area…” She muttered, as her eyes fell on the ashtray. “Still smoking I see…” She quirked an eyebrow that was all to reminiscent of her old friend. She flopped down in one of the seats and sighed. “I wont waste my breath and tell you how bad they are. It’s not like you’ve ever listened to me before…”

[snape]

"Actually I was just finishing up so you came at a pretty good time." He was quick to reassure her.

Severus smiled as she scooted around his tall frame and entered the office. He closed the door once she was inside. He could handle some intelligent conversation at the moment and Lily was his one exception to his usual aversion to company. He nodded his head slowly, but didn't comment as was his wont to do. He doubted her claim that she had been in the area; it was more likely she had come here on her own and couldn't help but to wonder why... He felt sure he would find out shortly if he was patient enough. Snape sat down on another seat in front of his desk rather than returning to his old position of paperwork. This was much more preferable. A slight frown touched his features when she took note of his habit.

He sighed deeply. "I've been trying Lily, but it's hard to kick."

Severus had been smoking since he was fifteen. He developed the addiction shortly after his mother died; at first he had stolen a couple of cigarettes from his father (who also smoked, but drank more often than naught) and then he later bummed some off his older friends when he reached Hogwarts. It was a mutual use-use situation. They had used him for his intelligence and he had used them in order to get his cancer sticks. His smoking had gone down some in recent years; however, he had never been able to completely stop...

"So... what brings you here?"

[krisy]

Lily didn’t say anything further, but smiled as she looked around the room. Books, various bottles of potion ingredients, stacks of parchments and clusters of inkwells scattered about the room. Shadows filled the room, but Lily expected nothing less. The dungeons were far different then the floors above. She turned slightly in her seat. Her green eyes surveying him as if seeing him for the first time. “Severus I know it’s been a while since we’ve been real ‘friends’, but you always had an amazingly strong willpower. I think that if you truly wanted to stop smoking you would do it.” She said with a small shrug of her shoulders. “But I’m not your parent and you’re a grown man so I wont bother lecturing you.”

She thought of his last question. She knew why she was there, but it wasn’t something one just blurted out. The conversation she had in mind would take some work getting into. If Lily could be one thing it was subtle. “Is it a crime to come and visit and old friend? Really Sev, it’s been a while since we’ve really sat down and had a conversation. I’m really in the mood to reminisce about the good old days.” She removed the wand from her holster and flicked it toward the table. A bottle of whiskey and wine emerged. “What’s your pleasure?” She asked as she grabbled the bottle of wine for herself and popped the cork. Pouring herself a large glass full.

Lily was by no means a drinker, but there were some conversations that called for a few drinks. And the one she intended on having with Severus was one of them. “But hey, if you rather I leave I can. But even you need company sometimes. And I don’t think I’m bad company to be perfectly honest with you.” She took several sips of her wine, her eyes never leaving him.

[snape]

Severus just shrugged his shoulders to her first comment, not saying one way or another whether she was right. It was hard to quit. He was addicted and addiction ran in the family; the level of his willpower might be strong, but it was difficult turning it to one area because he constantly found himself focusing on multiple subjects at once. He chuckled slightly at her question and gave her a rare smile. Of course it wasn't against the law for her to visit an old friend! He actually felt rather blessed that she still held him in such high esteem even after all that had happened between them.

He was rather surprised when a bottle of whiskey and wine appeared. He had never known Lily to be the type who drank alcohol; somehow it didn't make sense in his head. He watched her as she poured out a large glass of wine and took a sip. "I guess I'll have a whiskey."

Snape wasn't much on indulging in the 'finer' points of life. He drank occasionally and he always made sure to watch his intake whenever he did since he knew he acted far too much like his filthy Muggle father under the influence. Without waiting for Lily to pour him a drink, the young Potions Master leaned forward, holding a randomly conjured shot glass in his hand, and quickly filled it. He then relaxed back into his chair before taking a swig. He smirked at her last words, shaking his head somewhat at them. If he didn't want her here then he wouldn't have even asked her to come in and now that she was actually inside it didn't feel right to force her away so soon...

He had done that far too much in the past, hurting both of them as a result. "No, you can stay. I could use a good conversation right now. Where should we start reminiscing? Have you got any good ideas?"

[krisy]

Lily couldn’t help but return the smile. It was such and odd pleasure to be on the receiving end of Severus’ smiles, while other people generally received a scowl and sneer from the potions master. It was a nice change of pace to be around someone who in many ways was much like herself. She felt bad for what happened to James, but despite all of that her and James didn’t have too much in common. For whatever idiotic reason James was obsessed with anything sports related. The man could drone on and on for hours about a damn Quidditch match.

With Severus that was different. They both had a long history together. Sure during some of that time their relationship had been rocky, and they both made mistakes but they were both adults now. Lily was ready to move past their teenage drama and strike up her friendship with the man again. Severus, much like herself had a fondness for potions. Lily was certain that if it hadn’t been him giving her a helping hand back in their days she wouldn’t understand the finer points of brewing. She could also sit down and discuss new uses of ingredients for potion making, and various spells that seemed to pop up from time to time in some of the educational journals. She knew that Severus himself had invented a few spells of his own but were never certain of what they were.

Lily slipped slowly at her wine. She wasn’t one to normally drink and knew that if she had to much to fast she would start to feel a bit tipsy. “Hmm,” she said trying to think to a place to start their reminiscing. “I suppose the beginning is a good place to start.” She said thinking about the first time they had met all those years ago. “I remember one time in the play park where a little boy called a little girl a witch. It was awfully rude of him.” She said, giving him a playful smirk.

[snape]

"Oh yes... And that same little girl askied all the questions that she could as soon as she actually believed him. I think that was probably the most I had ever spoken in a long time."

Severus wasn't the type to fill the silence with useless prattle. He didn't chit-chat and was mediocre with making small talk at best. He could barely keep a conversation going at times, but it was rather easy to do so with Lily. She never seemed to mind when he randomly slipped into one of his quiet moments; however, truthfully, that didn't happen much between the two of them because the redhead had the ability to open Snape up. The reason why he never spoke much was due to how he had been raised. His filthy Muggle father had taught him long ago that it wasn't a good idea to voice one's opinion...

"I remember how I wanted you to get sorted into Slytherin so we would always be together. I always thought that you had some of those qualities, but apparently the hat didn't see what I did."

Severus gave her a smirk before taking a small sip of his whiskey. Whenever he drank, he had a habit of picking up alcohol that was similar to what he currently had in his shot glass. He was a fan of whiskey (both Muggle and Magical types) and scotch. He occasionally went with wine when he was in the mood, but that rarely ever happened. He didn't touch beer at all or those 'girly' cocktails.

"You know... I also probably shouldn't be drinking. Alcohol's never agreed with me much."

[krisy]

Lily blushed, looking down as her hair curtained her face. She gave a small laugh, before adjusting herself on the seat. Pulling her legs closer, allowing the dark green material of her robes to fall over them. “What did you expect Sev? I was what…8 or 9 years old. You told me that I had magical powers. It is every muggle girls dream to live in a fairytale world. That was what if felt like. You said that we would go to a castle and learn magic. I obviously had some naïve beliefs about such things. But then when we got our Hogwarts letters. It all felt so surreal.” She smiled broadly, her eyes had a far off look as she remember all those years ago. “Life was so easy then.” She said sighing before taking another sip of wind. Thinking back on the time when the two of them were just children. Severus, unlike Lily wasn’t sheltered from the world of evil. She knew enough about Severus home life to know that it was vastly different from her own.

“You always told me to be in Slytherin. When it was my turn on the hat I asked to be placed their. He pretty much said that I wouldn’t do well in Slytherin. He then put me in Gryffindor. After learning about the houses though… I can see why he didn’t want me in that house. It doesn’t exactly have the best reputation. They would of eaten me alive.” She muttered, with a sad smile on her face. “I always thought we would be friends. Despite our enormous differences I thought our friendship would survive anything and everything….” She heaved a great sigh. “None of that matters now though. Things are as they should be now…I mean between us.”

Lily gave him another sad smile and reached for his glass of whiskey. “Don’t drink then…” She said placing it on the table in front of them. She didn’t want to encourage a habit that she knew ran high in his family. It was bad enough that he still smoked, but she would take smoking any day to drinking.

[snape]

When Lily said that life had been so easy back in their Hogwarts days, Severus couldn't help frowning. Maybe it was true in her case, but for him things had always been different. He had grown up on the wrong side of the tracks, as Lily's older sister had pointed out. He had been poor, never knowing what it was like to even receive a good Christmas present let alone fresh school supplies. Not to mention the fact that his mother had been a distant figure in his life, working two jobs just so that they would have enough to survive, and had died young as a result of it. Then there was his father... An abusive alcoholic who had unloaded upon the whole Snape family; who had believed Magic was either 'freaky' or could solve everything. Hogwarts hadn't been much better for him since he had been the butt of many pranks and jokes for the Marauders on an almost daily basis.

"No, you probably wouldn't have fit in there. I was kind of young and naive back then; I thought that if I could protect you then maybe the other Purebloods wouldn't have been so mean to you because of your own bloodline. It's better that you went into Gryffindor."

Severus smiled as she took his glass of whiskey away and then placed it on the table. "Mm... Probably a good policy." He smiled for a moment, but it quickly faded. "Even with our separate houses, things were going pretty well for us until that incident in our fifth year..."

The 'Mudblood Incident.' Something that Snape still regretted to this day. He had said it out of fear and humiliation. He hadn't thought his words through clearly before he opened his mouth and frankly he had had enough. He had been close to the breaking point when the Marauders just casually pushed him over the edge of no return. He could give every excuse in the book, but none of them were true.

[krisy]

“I really don’t think there is any probably about it. The only Slytherin I’ve ever got along with is you…” She said with a shrug of her shoulders. “I think we were all naïve then. I think it comes with being young…” She ran a hand tiredly through her hair. Her face paled as he brought up the ‘incident‘. She had long ago forgiven him, but the reminder of what had happened all those years ago still stung. Those words were a huge slap in the face. She felt so betrayed when he had said those words to her. It hadn’t been the first time, but it was one time to many. She still regretted not giving him another chance. After they went their separate ways she had felt like a part of her was missing. She had other friends of course, but none of them could fill the void that Sev had left.

“Don’t worry about it Sev… It was a long time ago. We both made mistakes. Young, stupid and irrational most of the time. Things might have been okay between us. It was still hard. I’m sure for you as well. I know your friends didn’t like you being friends with a ‘mud-blood’. I’m sure you got enough crap from them. Then you got it from the marauders. You could never catch a break.” Lily felt bad as she thought about it. Sev definitely deserved a better friend then her. She should of understood what he was going through at the time, but as always her emotions got the better of her.

“Sev…?” She asked setting her glass of wine on the desk in front of her. She folded her hands in her laps, her eyes never leaving them. “I-” Lily stopped and took a calming breath. “I need to talk to you about something…” She muttered so quietly she wondered if he even heard her. “It’s about something that happened about 14-15 years ago.”

[snape]

Severus could only nod as Lily pointed out the fact that he had never seemed to catch a break back during his days at Hogwarts; then again, pretty much the same was true now. Of course he was doing better than he had been, but he still had some left-over worries (like the fact that his Dark Mark was growing ever clearer). He had made a lot of mistakes in his youth that he was still paying for.

"Mm... Don't forget about my filthy father."

Lily had always known more than anyone else, but he wasn't completely sure whether she knew the full truth of it or not. Snape had told her that his parents fought a lot and that Tobias was pretty much an alcoholic; however, he had never admitted to anything physical. To not have anyone notice it back in his youth must have been some kind of miracle. Severus tilted his head as the redhead spoke. He brought his mind to 1980, an interesting time in most people's lives as Voldemort had been gathering followers at an alarming rate. That was also the year when Snape switched sides, deciding to become Dumbledore's man through and through because he realized it was a sure way to redeem himself of all the wrong that he had done.

"All right..." He responded slowly. "What about?"

[krisy]

Lily waited as Severus too seemed to take a trip down memory lane. Lily remembered little of Severus’ father. She never had the ‘pleasure’ of meeting the man, but knowing what she did she wouldn’t have wanted too. She remembered seeing his mother a few times here or there. Mainly it was on Platform 9 ¾. Having never seen Sev’s father before she assumed that he got most of his looks from his mum. The first time Lily had ever glimpsed at the woman was on her first trip to Hogwarts. After all of her excitement about finally going to the magical school she noticed the woman, and from her young point of view she seemed very cross and sullen. Mrs. Snape was a woman Lily would be frightened to cross. She wondered how Severus survived as he did with such a messed up life.

She sighed and looked a head of her. Lily wasn’t quite ready for the conversation which was about to take place. In fact she was surprised Severus never brought it up when Shendeth first entered school. She was certain that Severus would see the resemblance between the young boy and his self. She could never believe that a child of hers and James would be placed in Slytherin. Any other house perhaps, but certainly not Slytherin.

“Um- well…” She started, but soon stopped herself to take a deep calming breath, all of which did nothing for her. “You remember that night at the Leaky Cauldron… We had a few drinks and um…-” She cleared her throat awkwardly and did her best to avoid his eyes. “Well…you know. I’m sure I don’t have to remind you.” She said as a blush gathered on her cheeks.

[snape]

"I don't really recall that."

Severus replied after a long moment of silence. He could vaguely remember a few incidents when he had seen Lily around, but none of their encounters had lasted for very long. He had been working two or three jobs at the time so it was only understandable that some things had a tendency to blur in his mind when it wasn't anything of importance. Lily was acting more awkward than she had ever been with him before; the clearing of her throat, the blushes that gathered on her cheeks, and he eyes focused on anything and everything save his own. They were all signs.

Snape didn't need to remember to jump to conclusions. It wasn't a thing he did very much because he hated being wrong; however, he knew how to read Lily well enough (or so he believed at any rate) that he could come to a decision rather quickly whenever matters concerned her... He didn't know what to think now.

"Uh... I... I don't really know..." He managed to stutter out. "Are you... are you saying we...?" He couldn't even finish that sentence.

[krisy]

“I don’t recall that.” The first words Lily heard him speak and it had completely bewildered her. He couldn’t remember? How could he not remember? Yes, they had been drunk but even she vaguely remembered all that took place that night. Lily now knew that Sev had feeling for her. She couldn’t help but wonder why he couldn’t remember the one incident where the two of them had been intimate. Sure it was drunkenly clumsy and a tad awkward, but still it was something he should of remembered. Perhaps buried deeply in the recesses of his mind.

“You don’t remember…?” She whispered and her face paled. She put her head in her hands trying to hid herself from embarrassment and shame. She was starting to wish that she hadn’t said anything at all. Living a lie would be far easier then telling him this tale, but already she was to far in. "Are you... are you saying we...?"

Her head snapped around at his words as she stared at him in disbelief. “Yes, Severus…That’s exactly what I’m saying…” Neither needed to say the word. It was painfully obvious what they were discussing. “I can’t believe you don’t remember…this is so humiliating.” She muttered, her head returning to her hands.